Bliss

I really don't have anything to write about, other than how blissfully happy I am! Brian is coming home tonight after fighting fires in Southern Utah for 2 weeks. We're going to get our stuff moved into my in-law's basement and finally set up our little home. Life is just better when you have your own things around you. We'll be cutting second crop hay in the coming weeks, something that I'm going to re-learn all over again. There's a technique to turning around at the end of a row that I can't get right. I always turn the wrong way. It's still plenty cold at night and I have to shut the windows after about an hour. I still have 3 blankets on my bed. The days are hot and the nights are cool. I love snuggling in bed with the crisp mountain air coming in through the window. We've been hiking a few times, 4-wheeling, and farming. Went to a couple rodeos. Shopping in Salt Lake. Life is just awesome! I know I appreciate it so much more because of where I've been. The miracle of Utah is already diminishing, and I'm trying to hold on to it. Yesterday I got my library card at the Smithfield library (which hasn't changed in 100 years) and tears came to my eyes as I browsed through shelves of LDS literature. Wal-Mart and other grocery stores have LDS books/music sections too. Our neighbors, the Chambers, served a mission in Louisiana and had a family from that area visit them last week. It was fun to hear the awe in their voices at the many miracles of Utah. "Whoa, did you see that? There was like 5 churches just on that block! And those guys were praying before they went hiking! Everyone is a Mormon!" Its always such a thrill to come back to Utah when I've lived away. I use to think that it would be better to raise children outside of Utah so that they could really know their religion, not just the culture of it. I've tried it both ways, and I vote for raising my kids within the protection of the mountains. It definitely has its challenges and isn't perfect. But there's nowhere else I'd rather be!

We Have Decided

So we have decided that we are going to live with Brian's parents in their basement apartment in Smithfield, Utah and chip away at Brian's student loan. Kylie is pretty happy because she gets to see both sets of grandparents every day. My parents live just around the corner. Every other option out there just didn't feel right. Just another opportunity for me to practice listening and interpreting the Spirit.

On the Farm

I just got a new digital camera, so hopefully I can take some sweet shots at the farm. Brian, Kylie and I spent the day on the farm in Whitney, Idaho (right next to Preston, Idaho--hometown of Napoleon Dynamite) fixing tractors and trucks. It was so great. I love being on the farm and getting (kind of) dirty. All the alfalfa in the valley is cut and the air is so fragrant and sweet, especially when the dew comes down. Mix that with the Russian Olive Trees and you can get drunk off the sweetness. Brian and I chased an electrical problem in the John Deere. I got to drill holes in the cab's hood to install a new light, poke wires with a light tester, use a wicked air compressor, get splinters in my finger, chase tools, drive Kylie on the 4-wheeler to look at the horses, and get grease under my nails. The highlight of the day was when I jumped on the David Brown tractor that I haven't driven for nearly 8 years. It was like riding a bike. I even remembered how to lift the forks up front so I could actually move forward. Our '74 Dodge has been sitting at the farm for a couple years waiting for money and space to be worked on. Brian wanted to start it to make sure it still ran after all these years. The engine was all bound up, so I backed up with the David Brown, chained it to the front of the truck, and pulled Brian around in the truck while he turned the engine over. We finally got it to start. I jumped in the truck and we kicked up clouds of dirt all over the yard! Old trucks are awesome. Today we improvised 4-wheeler ramps to get a 4-wheeler up into a truck bed. The 4-wheeler ramps that we had were too short. So we pulled out a bale of hay from the barn with the David Brown, leaned the ramps on that, then backed the truck up to the bale of hay. The 4-wheeler slid in without any problem. On our way into town for a "beer run" with my nieces (aka Sobe's and cookies run) we saw the llama from Napoleon Dynamite who resides a couple fields down from the Bodily farm. I am definitely getting that picture! Look for it soon. It is so amazing to stand out there, looking around at the valley, and feeling almost oppressed by the quiet and solitude. It is liberating yet imprisoning at the same time. The land is so open, flanked by mountains on all sides. Every now and then a rooster will crow or a horse will whinny. You might see 2 cars pass by the entire time. I am used to the fast paced work of a law office where results are quickly seen. Out there on the farm the work seems so painstakingly slow, with no employee manual to tell you how to solve the problem of a broken sprinkler head with no available parts. I nearly go crazy with the pace unless I am an active participant, finding a solution to the problem at hand. And yet when I take a moment to look around at the sectioned fields, swaying cottonwood trees, and grazing horses a sense of euphoria rushes through heart and limb and I think I could stay here forever.

Nothing Much

I wish I had something exciting to write. I guess I could make something up, but the creative juices aren't flowing today. We're still living out of a suitcase, waiting for the big "aha!" moment when we find the right place to live. We are mostly staying with my in-laws in Smithfield. Sometimes we stay at the company apartment in the airport hangar. It's all good, I'm in Utah! I've been taking tons of pictures of the beautiful landscape, but forgot to keep my cable out to download the pictures onto a computer. Everything is so green and beautiful. Every day, as I look around, I marvel at the wondrous creations of our Heavenly Father. Cache Valley is surrounded by mountain ranges that are still snow capped. We're still struggling to reach 80 degrees. Everything is in bloom. The cotton trees are flinging their little cotton balls so it looks like a floating snow storm. It's really pretty until one flies up your nose. Brian is in Moab on a firefighting contract for 2 weeks. When he gets back we're going camping in Wyoming at Flaming Gorge. yay! Except all I packed for Kylie and I is sandals and stuff. No roughing-it camp clothes. Not much else going on. Trying to keep Kylie entertained as best as I can. Loving life! I swiped some pictures of Cache Valley off the internet. This is where I live!!!

Quick Follow-Up

Deep breath. Ahhh. So Sallie was a little shell shocked when we finally picked her up the next day. I held her on my lap and she snuggled in close. She spent the next 12 hours huddled under the blankets of our temporary apartment. She's staying at Brian's parents house where she has lots of room to roam. And we got her a Litter Maid, which delights and confuses her at the same time. She keeps digging around as if to say, "I know I left it here somewhere..." She's a happy kitty now. We spent the weekend in Logan, Utah with family which really lifted our spirits. It was so incredible to walk outside one evening, breathe in the mountain air, feel the grass beneath my feet, look around and see how green everything is. It was a perfect night. I could feel wave after wave of energy releasing and my spirit felt lighter and lighter. The only disapointment (after my traveling fiasco) is that the house which we really felt like was supposed to be our house just went under contract. Oh well. If it's meant to be, it will be ours. When I start feeling overwhelmed, I take a minute to look around, breathe the mountain air, and I'm immediately filled with an overwhelming sense of gratitude and awe that I'm here. It doesn't matter what happens now, I'm in Utah. I hope I can hold on to the feeling forever, to always marvel at the miracle. So if I ever start complaining about where I'm living or something that isn't going my way, just remind me that even on my worst day, I'm still blessed to be in Utah.

Worst Move Ever!!!

I am so friggin' mad I can't sleep...so here's where I unload. Today was the day Kylie, Sallie the cat, and I left Louisiana for Utah. The past month leading up to this move has been incredibly stressful and my emotions and nerves have been stretched and broken repeatedly. Today started out wonderful, having breakfast at IHOP with my best buddies in Houma. I turned in my keys and told the apartment managers "good riddance" and happily left. Got to the airport in perfect time (thanks Dave and Coleen!) and in good spirits. Then it all started falling apart. I tried to check my bags curb-side so I wouldn't have to lug it all plus a 5 year old and cat through the airport. The guys gave me wary looks, kept asking what I had in the pet carrier. Finally one of them pipes up and informs me that Southwest is the only carrier who does not allow animals. Shocked, I stand there dumbly, trying to figure out what that means. Already fragile nerves are starting to hum. The guy can see that I'm not doing so well, so he's kind enough to load my bags onto his carrier and help me to the desk inside and leaves without holding his hand out for a tip. The heartless bastard behind the Southwest counter let me know that there was nothing to be done, and that I would have to check the cat on another flight. Nerves are starting to splinter and tears start to form. I drag everything to the United desk, where another heartless bastard tells me that my only option is to drive to the cargo building, check the cat, and drive back to catch my plane in less than an hour. Nerves go "ping" and the tears freely fall. Then I walk over to Northwest, sniffling, and a kind man decides to be human and make some phone calls. 15 minutes later he has nothing more to offer me. This is where I turn around, make it a few steps, sit down on the floor, and cry on the phone to my husband. The load I've been carrying for so long is now too heavy, and I give it up. A policeman, who was standing by at the Northwest counter, runs over to me and tells me that he'll drive me to the cargo building. We rush to his car, Kylie and I sit in the back (a first for both of us...and hopefully the last), the cop drives like mad to the cargo building, rushes us inside and starts barking orders that this lady needs help because she's had one hell of a day. You got that right, buddy. How about one hell of a year?! They fly through the paperwork, I have to leave my little kitty there and rush my sniffling 5 year old back into the cop car. He races back to the terminal, giving me detailed instructions of how to get to my flight. Kylie and I run through the New Orleans airport, make it to our terminal just in time to board the plane. We connect in Phoenix which had an amazing amount of turbulence which left us both feeling iffy. Kylie catches a nap, I can't sleep and I'm freezing because I gave up my blanket for Kylie to use. We finally land in Salt Lake City, I'm making phone calls like mad trying to figure out who's picking me up from the airport because Brian beat us to Utah in the moving truck. I rush over to the Northwest desk to find out about my cat...and there's no one there. I call the 800 number...and there's no one there. Kylie has to go to the bathroom. I make more phone calls. Kylie is too scared of the self-flushing toilets and decides she doesn't really have to go. I finally get a real person on the phone and find out Sallie won't be arriving until 11:30 pm. Lovely. We find our bags, get to the curb, my mom and sister pick us up and meet Brian at a restraunt. Kylie decides she wants to go home with her Nana and have her first sleepover. The anxiety comes back as I watch them drive away. I have one baby driving away to Logan, and my other baby somewhere in the skies. I have no appetite and just want a fruit smoothie. Brian persuades me to try a wheat grass shot with my smoothie. Sits pretty good after a day of pancakes, peanuts, and crackers. Brian and I stay at the company apartment so we can unload the truck in the morning. It's not far from the airport so I wait for 11:00 to roll around. The smoothie doesn't sit too well and right before I have to leave for the airport I puke it all up, dislocating my jaw. I now have an intense headache, puke in my nose, and no prospect of going to bed. I drive to the airport while Brian goes to bed (he drove to Utah in record time, only sleeping 2 hours) and get lost in the airport. Twice. I finally make it inside to where they told me to pick up Sallie. It's 11:30. They make some calls. "No, we didn't have a live animal on this flight..." My phone rings and it's the cargo guys saying that I now have to drive over to their building to pick up Sallie. I hustle back to the parking garage, pull up with my ticket and get a voice mail. Sallie is in Atlanta. Her plane didn't make it in time for her to get transferred to a SLC bound flight. She's spending the night there in a kennel and will arrive in Salt Lake around 9:00 am. At this point I drop the f-bomb. Serious business. Now I'm back at the apartment, so mad, wondering what more could go wrong...nevermind, I don't want to tempt fate. It has been one thing after another all month. I'm tired, too mad to function, and now my stomach decides that it's hungry. Luckily I have some animal crackers stashed away. One baby is sleeping in Logan, another is sleeping in Atlanta. It's not a good feeling. And things aren't going to slow down at all. Brian has a few days off, then he's going to be gone for over a month, during which time I have to find a house and buy it and paint it and carpet it and move our stuff in. Oh, and I have a job interview coming up and they'll want me to start right away. I'm just glad this day is over. I just pray that Sallie isn't ruined when we get her back. She's such a sweet kitty. I'm going to try to sleep, and leave it all in God's hands.

My Mother's Day

I got to spend this Mother's Day weekend being a mom: laying my hand across my child's fevered forehead, stroking her back as I urged her to have another sip of juice, rocking her back and forth when I should have been packing. While I hate it when my girl is sick, I am so grateful that I was the one to whisper soothing words in her ear and rock her to sleep. I constantly marvel at the miracle of motherhood. I am amazed at those mothers who have had a child and know how hard it is, then have the courage to choose to do it again. I applaud the mother who chooses to live without some of life's luxuries so that she can stay home and be the one to mold her child's character and be there for life's little moments. I wonder at the resiliency of those mothers who must hand their child to another set of arms for 8 hours a day, then come home dead tired and still be their everything. My heart already dreads the fast-approaching day when my daughter climbs the steps of a school bus and rides off without me. Being a mother is truly the greatest joy of my life. A tender teaching moment came one day when Kylie had made a wrong choice. She hung her head, upset at her mistake, slowly raised her eyes to meet mine and asked, "Do you still love me?" With my heart bursting at the seams, I gathered her in my arms and said, "Kylie, I will always love you. Forever and ever, no matter what. Even when you make mistakes, I will always love you. I will try to help you fix the mistake and learn from it because I love you." That scene occurred a few more times, then the dialogue changed. When she made a wrong choice, she still hung her head, upset at her mistake, but raised her eyes to meet mine and said, "But I know that you still love me, forever and ever." This is my greatest wish, that she will always have the confidence in knowing that her mother loves her, through her mistakes and my mistakes. I believe that a child can do anything if they know they are loved, and that the greatest gift a parent can give a child is that confidence. I know there's going to be times that I fail miserably. I just pray that the Lord will make up for what I lack. I'm so grateful for those tender mercies when the Lord lets me know that I'm doing alright, when it's so easy to feel like I never do enough. ----------------------------------- It was also a great Mother's Day because of the outpouring of love I felt from my ward. Today was my last day in the Thibodaux Ward. I was surprised at the number of hugs and sad farewells at the church, and the many phone calls after church wishing me a happy Mother's Day and offers to help with moving. The sister missionaries came by to spend the evening with us. Dave and Coleen Hulbert also came by, bearing cookie dough ice cream. They cut their vacation short to make sure they were home in time to see us before we left. I commented that this is one of the things that I love about living outside of Utah: the strong friendships that are developed between members who do not have family surrounding them. I will miss those friendships dearly. I have clung to them during the difficult times and found that there is joy in adversity. It has been wonderful to feel so needed in a ward, especially when I began to feel un-needed. Service is a key to my happiness--something I learned in high school. I'm a selfish person by nature, more so than your typical "natural man". I learned how to be happy living in Southern Louisiana by losing myself in service, of which there was much need. I was touched when one of the members hugged me and thanked me for being one of the ward "pillars". I am relieved to return to Utah where things run smoother, but will also miss the rich service opportunities. Each time I live outside Utah my perspective changes--outside looking in, you might say. Not only do I realize even more the miracle of Utah, but also have a clearer view of the challenges posed by living there. I am grateful for the past year's experience, but also relieved that it's over. It was hard. I ran a good race, fought a good fight. Triumphed over darkness that nearly consumed me near the end. This was my 7th ward in 7 years. I have taken a piece of each ward with me, and hope that I leave a better person. As I drove away from the church today, I felt a quiet peace saying that the Lord was pleased with my efforts. What a beautiful and rare feeling!